Thursday, April 26, 2007

Let's give them something to talk about!

Though I am invariably pained by the thought of people speaking ill of me, as I approach my 30s and old age, I have come to the conclusion that it is inevitable. Whatever you do, someone out there will have something to say about it. The only solution is to live the life of a corpse, i.e., have no life. But even that doesn’t stop some people - they will start with ‘Though I hate to speak ill of the dead…” and say something downright nasty anyway.

If you are easily cowed by the thought of what the gossips will say and try to lead a blameless life just to please them, they’ll say stuff like…”She’s so BORING.” Or if you’re important enough they’ll just make up stuff about you. “You know why she’s so quiet? It’s because her mother ran away with the circus strong man, and she’s never been able to get over it.”

And if you decide to throw caution to the wind and live life according to your own terms, take the precaution of getting a rhino-skin transplant done beforehand. ( I believe it’s illegal, rhinos being endangered and all. But I can put you in touch with a doctor who knows a poacher who knows a rhino.) People HATE those who don’t care about what they say. They’ll come after you with a vengeance.

If you try to impress them with good works, that’s the worst. Donated all your money to charity? “What a show-off! He did it just to show people how generous he is.” (And they wouldn’t be far wrong if you did it just to impress them, come to think of it.)
He gave an old, lame beggar a piggyback ride up the street? “He must’ve been drunk at the time.” (Which again sounds kind of possible.)
He loves children and has opened a home for orphans? “PAEDOPHILE!”

I have included a list for the reader’s reference.
If you are the first, those tattlers will call you the second:

Pretty = dumb/ flirt or both.
Intelligent= Smartass
Poor= Lazy
Rich= Corrupt (but never to your face)
Physically affectionate=Pervert (actually I’m kinda OK with this label)
Female Boss=Domineering/Slept with HER boss to get where she is/Both
Male Boss= No comment…after all, what other kind is there?
A woman who gets along well with men= Easy
Doesn’t mix well with men=Lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that, they’ll add)
Newly promoted=Ass kisser
Never promoted=Loser

Etc, etc. etc.

So you see, there’s no winning with these people. My suggestion - get that skin implant and do as you please. It’s expensive but worth it. If you don’t do what you want they’ll just say you did and tattle anyway. So might as well do things exactly your way AND give them something to talk about.

They’ll secretly be VERY grateful.


Debsena said...

you have a point. some people will bitch, no matter what. i think some front-benchers in some departments in some colleges have often been accused of that. ;)

but for farts like that, would you simply be your regular self, or actually add to the hushed whispers behind your back by diving into little scandals once in a while? wilfully, yet just for fun? i kinda like the latter thought... ;)

this is slightly out of context, but i just had to share it with you: one of my colleagues once ate a rhino. a bit of it, at least... the poor beast fell into a pit on the outskirts of the village and died, and the locals had a feast. i can enquire if they've preserved the hide, if you like...

Ushasi said...

Yes, I like the thought too. Play to the gallery, so to speak.

And do ask if they can spare the hide, or if one of them has actually had the procedure done on himself.

Debsena said...

well, the village where the rhino was killed is in a place where the natives' own leather is thick enough... they don't need the hide. ;)

Diya said...

tsk tsk, slagging off poor village natives, are we?! and db, i seem to remember certain front-benchers with a distinct affinity for you, so i wonder why you berate them! and call them farts. TSK! i am increasingly tempted to do things just to annoy annoying people. so yes, i'm all for adding to shock and awe - it's too much fun to resist!

Abhipraya said...

Great Post Ushasi! Love your attitute :-)

Ushasi said...

Thanks for your support, Abhipraya!:)

Nisho said...

Phew... finally manged some time to read your blog...

Loved this one. Probably one your best, I would say :-)