Me-ness.

Do any of you ever get the feeling that your rational mind is just a wee part of you, objectively standing back and judging as the rest of you does, feels, and says completely unadvisable things? It’s unstoppable, like your ‘me-ness’ makes you a separate person from your rational self.

For example today, I was asked to rate my own work on 10 in a meeting with one of my bosses. Let’s see…I don’t want to seem conceited, my rational self thought quickly, so forget 9…don’t want to put myself down…so 6 is out of the question…7.5 seems like a nice well-adjusted number…that’s settled then…say 7.5.
“ I’m a 5.5!” my Me-ness declared brightly, to the shock of one and all, while my rational self kicked my Me-ness squarely in the shin.

There are days when it feels like everyone dislikes you. You just can’t shake off the feeling. That guy didn’t smile at you like he does on other days, your Me-ness declares shrilly. Those people stopped talking when you walked past, that girl was curt when you said hello! and you slowly sink into a gluey bog of self-pity, much as your rational self tries to pull you from it.

Rational self: Pull yourself together woman!

Me-ness: waaaaaaaaaah

R.S: That guy’s busy, those people had finished talking, and that girl was as nice as she always is!

Me-ness: waaaaaaaaaaaah!

R.S: Oh, forget it, you fuckwit.

Me-ness: Glop glop glop. (Drowning in self pity)

Sometimes you just feel depressed for the heck of it.

Rational self: Why the long face?

Me-ness: Sod off, I feel like it. (Sulking)

R.S: But why? What’s wrong with your life? You have everything you could want! There are so many starving children in Somalia who…

Me-ness: (Roaring) And you know what the starving children of Somalia say to you???

R.S: (prissily) There’s no need for bad language I’m sure. (withdrawing huffily).

The same for anger too. You know what you say makes no sense at all, will make matters worse, and will be held against you for the rest of your life, but bloody Miss Me-ness will just have to say it.

R.S: You just had to say it, didn’t you?

Me-ness: Aah, I feel MUCH better now.

R.S: Sigh.

And so on. I’ve met perfectly rational people saying they couldn’t control themselves: Jealousy, gluttony, OCDs (R. S: For the 20th time…the door is locked I tell you!!
Me-ness: Just let me go back up and check one last time…I promise!), bitchiness, depression, excessive optimism, crocheting, etc.

For a lot of people, the influences of RS and Me-ness are equally balanced. RS is all but beaten to a pulp inside my head.

It’s unfortunate, but liberating. Who needs two voices bickering in your head all the time anyway?

(Manic smile.)