AI

I have plenty written on my CV, but I steadfastly avoid writing anything about my computer skills. I think a CV looks much prettier without all those unsightly, uneven-looking words - MS-doc, PhOtoSHop, Ha-P-2-b-anerd, etc.

OK, OK. I don’t mention my computer skills because I don’t have any.

But it’s more about being on the good side of computers than actually being skilled. Because AI isn’t a myth. The truth is out there, my friend. Computers are living, thinking, malevolent things that hate the beings that created them (like zillions of squat, boxy Frankenstein’s monsters) . And though I had nothing to do with creating computers (hardy-har-har, that’s rich!) they still hate me with a passion.

How else could you explain how often I’ve lost hours of work, just by getting a cup of coffee? Five minutes away from my system, and BAM I’m set back by two hours or more.

Or why, a few months ago, when I was trying to 'insert rows' into an excel sheet, nothing showed up -- even though I repeated the command till my index finger almost dropped off? Turns out the new rows were in white (for some reason I couldn't fathom) so I couldn’t see that I had already added some 60 rows. Who did that, do you think? Me?? I think NOT!

Why is it that when I tried to delete a photo (awful, monstrous picture of myself…if you saw it you would understand) from a picasa link recently, I ended up permanently blocking half of all pictures that my computer receives?

Because computers hate me. They are nice to all you bloody suck-ups because you pander to their egos and act like computers are the centre of your Universe. (You computer-geniuses make me sick! )

One day they will push me too far and I will take a heavy, blunt object to all the computers that I can find.

P.S - If any of you %$@##&**@ computers are reading this (I know you do, you can't fool me), let this be a warning to you…