Doppelganger

Today, after a long time, work was slow; and being a little fed up with some things at work; I decided to have some ‘me’ time and not do anything remotely productive for a change. From after lunch till the end of the work-day I scrolled through this blog and that (in case my boss is reading this: I actually worked very hard and everything I’ve said till now in this post is a complete lie and an attempt by my competitors to malign me.) and came across a blog entirely by accident that really got me thinking.

By itself the blog isn’t at all the sort that would get anyone thinking. It was a very self indulgent look into a young female college student’s life (though excellently written I must admit.) No, what struck me hard was the idea, that this was ME 6-7 years ago. Correction, this was someone I might’ve been. Same city, same university, same department, even – and I have a suspicion from one or two mentions, she lives in the same neighbourhood as well. She makes references to professors, syllabi, tests, that I was thoroughly acquainted with half a decade ago; and as I got more and more into it—the whole effect was surreal.

Our situations 6 years apart were identical. But, from the accounts of her personal life, she just seems to be doing more with the opportunities we both got. Performing in plays, a bit part in a Bengali movie, parties at Someplace else, hanging out with cool people, buying stilettos, loads of clothes…

I could’ve done all that, I thought. That’s what made me a little sad. Usually I make excuses to myself when I look at people leading very interesting lives...oh I didn’t live in that city, my parents weren’t in the performing arts, I’d say…it all went kaput with one random visit to a stranger’s blog.

Of course I’d like to say here, that she seems a mite taken with her cigarette smoking vodka drinking anti-authority self. I’ve never been guilty of self-satisfaction and have always been mature enough to see through most of the trappings of ‘coolness’; and have done all of the above without much ceremony. But I guess she’ll grow out of that with age.

And in the meantime, I’ll visit her blog now and then and live my early 20s over again, and enjoy vicariously the life I had but, to the most part, didn’t live.

A note.

Several people have asked why I don’t write any more. That they look forward to my posts and would like to see some new ones. (Thank you for that.)

I feel sucked dry nowadays, like there’s nothing that needs writing about. I rarely get to talk to people who actually care what’s going on with me; in the office I usually reduce myself to a silent listener of incredible banalities for every break, and rarely volunteer any conversation that might matter. So I guess it’s become a habit, even when I converse through my blog. (I apologize for that.)

So that’s that, I guess. Enough said. I hope to write something complicated and witty soon.

Till then: adios.

Lyrics

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

(Sarah McLachlan - Angel lyrics)