Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Top 5 Things that make me want to beat a person to a bloody pulp.

What bothers me is when people fill in the gaps with fabrications that suit them, when you don’t supply them with the inside goss.

“We all know you left the party early because you were invited as an afterthought! Don’t think we’re so stupid-aa?”

“I left early because YOU were there and you really ARE that stupid. Now you know.”

Or :

“…I know how you are, you must’ve said something to upset him.”

“Hello??? Were you THERE??? Do you know ANYTHING about what happened that day???”

“Now you’re being defensive”

(Throttling noises)

And so on.

I think drawing conclusions is a compulsive human habit, but surely this free reign you give to your imagination should be kept to yourself, and not so proudly displayed. It’s not a skill, unless you can write a book with it.

Another thing people do is act all innocent when they’re being offensive. Leaving you baffled and even madder than if they’d said it in a catty way.

After asking how much I weigh (which in itself is offensive) and then after some lengthy mental math, person says in girly voice“Does that mean I’m heavier than YOU?? It can’t be.” (This actually happened recently.)

I mean honestly in which universe is that not down right bitchy? So stop lisping like you’re two and just admit you wanted to get in a punch right in the wee-wee.

On a slightly unrelated note, but still equally annoying, are strangers who walk through a door when you hold it open for yourself/people walking with you. They’ll sweep past you with their nose in the air while you’re left holding the door open and wondering if you should click your heels together and salute. I do not exaggerate that once at a shop I had to keep the door open while no less than 20 people trooped through for about a minute and a half -- without acknowledgement or even once offering to take my place as unofficial doorman.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I just make sure my group is through and then let it swwwwiiiing back into these people’s faces if they attempt to make a break for it.

If I see a person do this even once, however wonderful they might turn out to be later; they are utterly, irrevocably DEAD to me.

Another annoying thing which unfortunately I seem to do a lot myself nowadays, (I’ve inherited this from my parents so it’s their fault); is to think every statement made in your hearing is a desperate request for advice.

I caught myself giving copious marriage advice to a colleague who happened to mention he was getting married next month. 10 minutes later, I stopped myself mid-flow on noting his glazed expression, and sent him on his way. 20 years later, no doubt, I’d be waxing eloquent on the benefits of exercise and eating a healthy diet to some unlucky youngster who made a random comment about cotton candy.

I also think Posers are annoying. You can tell that there’s a particular kind of image that these Posers want to project, and would sell their own grand aunts if it meant society would promise to see them that way. Sometimes it’s not the natural thing to say or do in a given situation, and you KNOW that the person was probably leaning towards a more standard reaction, but it’s almost as if the image whispers into his ear at the last minute, and says “You HAVE to make a sexist comment about that woman in front of you RIGHT now; because it’s thoroughly inappropriate and people will TOTALLY buy your arrogant playboy image (viz ME).”


“But nothing boy, just because she’s a policewoman investigating your grand aunt’s disappearance doesn’t mean you’ll slip out of character! Man up and say something about her chest!”

To my chagrin, I realized a few days ago I can be a poser too, especially when I want to impress people. And I have to hold the pose even if I’m tired or the people around me don’t care. It’s a compulsion and it’s annoying. If you don’t know already, my pose is the “ Says self-deprecating and hopefully funny things about herself.”

(See? There I go again.)

Since I seem to be guilty of 2 of the 5 things that make me wish bodily harm on a person, you are permitted to give me a bruised shin or a black eye when you meet me next. I guess it’s only a matter of time before I start doing ALL the other stuff I mentioned here, in which case you have my permission to beat me to a bloody pulp.


Haimanti said...

and i hate people who say, o tumi to khub bhalo result korechho, tumi to 65% peychho, ami bhishon i kharap korechhi, i have scored only 80%

Ushasi said...

Hahaha...I KNOW. Tui toh daruuuun korecchish pash kore gecchish! aami? amar bheeshon mon kharap, ektur jonye all time highest pai ni.

Rashmi said...

or, "you are so cool; you don;t care about the way you look. I wouldn't dare to walk out of the door looking like that" (and all other left handed compliments) GORUS

Ushasi said...

Haha, love that one!!! Or "I wish I could be like you, I'm so obsessive about running my household perfectly, and keeping myself groomed that I don't have the TIME to read a book! It's so hard being a perfectionist! It must be GREAT being you!"

shreyasi said...

Accha just tell me this, do I know the person who made the 'weighty' comment??!

Ushasi said...

Na Rimky, this is someone from work. I'm pretty sure she can't read, so no danger in admitting that here.

diya said...

Hehehe good article, Shashi. I hate people who say - "Tumi bidesh chole gechho? Bah." Regardless of whether or not I do anything in some far-flung foreign land, the very fact that I have managed to get there is enough."Tomar bor bhalo chakri pelo?" Why do they even care? No mention of my chakri anywhere. Shotti, there are very many stupid people in the world!